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Webkinz Rebels Overrun Cyber Capitol

Rebel+troops+secure+the+capitol.+%28Sergei+L.+Loiko%2FLos+Angeles+Times%2FMCT%29
Rebel troops secure the capitol. (Sergei L. Loiko/Los Angeles Times/MCT)

Rebel troops secure the capitol. (Sergei L. Loiko/Los Angeles Times/MCT)

Sergei L. Loiko

Sergei L. Loiko

Rebel troops secure the capitol. (Sergei L. Loiko/Los Angeles Times/MCT)

Ben Feldman, News Editor

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In a shocking turn of events, last week’s virtual coup of the Webkinz World has decisively fallen in favor of the rebels.

Just six days after Meowseph Stalin, the Alley Cat, along with several other co-conspirators, rushed into the capitol building and engaged in a shootout with the infamous Dr. Quack and the crazed Dr. Goober, order has been declared.

Several sources confirmed that Arte of the Curio Shop and Chef Gazpacho fled the scene, taking asylum at a monastery in nearby Farmville.

The rebellion came amidst complaints that the oligarchs of the Webkinz society owned as much as 90% of all KinzCash, while the lower class was forced into a life of working countless hours in the fields and begging for food in chatrooms. The rebel forces, in turn, seized the bureaucrats’ main means of production.

Today, the new People’s Leadership Free Forum, the news agency of the rebel forces, reported that Goober and Quack had been killed in the clashes, although the Banner staff has been unable to verify this claim. Any other Webkinz sympathizers, the Forum continued, will be found, assuring the citizens that law and order will rule.

The report also mentions that the use of the word “Webkinz” has been suspended indefinitely; the officially sanctioned term will now be “Webcomrades.”

All able-bodied pets are called to a rigorous schedule of patriotic duty, including working most of the day mining in the Curio shop, farming in the fields for pumpkins, tomatoes, and other vital foods, and milking the illustrious “Cash Cow.”

All food grown will be purchased by the state so that comrades can buy it back with the money earned from the sale.

The Wheel of Wow has been suspended as well, as has the free market for luxuries. All necessities, along with fun, freedom of speech, and freedom in general, have also been suspended.

New games have been created, including “Our Eternal Leader,” “Destroy the Capitalist Pigs,” and “Work All Day Without Break or Food.”

While many critics of the new leadership are quick to point out that brutality of the new government rules and has already arrested and imprisoned as many as twelve thousand political prisoners, the Free Forum has assured the world that the comrades will all learn to love their new leaders.

“Well,” said Meowseph Stalin, “at least after a few years of rigorous patriotic work.”

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The School Newspaper of Harriton High School
Webkinz Rebels Overrun Cyber Capitol