I am a sandwich professional. During my summers, instead of heading to the beach and getting a solid tan, I choose instead to work behind the counter in an ammonia-scented deli. It’s better for my skin in the long run, and I’ve picked up some good life lessons along the way.
The most important of these is how to make a sandwich.
Think about it. What food item is more versatile, more common, and more delicious? The possibilities are endless; the result is always tasty. So, as a self-proclaimed sandwich pro, I’d like to share with you some tips on how to create a delicious sandwich.
The first step is to get some great background music going, because nothing makes a sandwich taste better than the excitement going into the process. My favorites are anything Disney or John Mayer (he just makes the product taste more soulful, somehow), but honestly, anything goes.
Next, prepare your bread. This is usually the point at which I realize that there’s nothing even remotely resembling a loaf in my home, but that’s okay! Sandwich makers, never fear: substitutions are accepted, and usually encouraged. So we’ll move on, using Pop-Tarts or maybe some cheese slices. Anything edible and vaguely flat will do.
Following this, gather up the insides of your sandwich. There are the ever-popular PB&J, cheese, and/or meat combinations, or you can get more creative! Realize that there’s nothing really in your kitchen? That’s okay! Some people prefer more, shall we say, original combinations. Lately, I’ve heard people putting chocolate or various seasonal vegetables on their sandwiches. And of course, who doesn’t love bacon? For those with a bare kitchen not unlike mine, we can always root out something exciting like leftovers! Yeah, Chinese food two days later or cold pizza slices! Next up? Condiments! Some people prefer to make their own mayonnaise, in some complicated process involving eggs and oil and a cohesive thought process throughout. I prefer things out of bottles. Ah, to be young and lazy, when parents can provide you with all the peanut butter and mustard that you’d otherwise have to go out and procure for yourself. Nut allergies aside, hit up the Nutella. Everyone in the history of forever loves Nutella. Even if you do have nut allergies, eat it. Okay? Now, to reference those Disney/Pixar movies I love so much, don’t forget to add the best ingredient of all: perspective. (So many bonus points if you understand that.) While you’re dancing around to whatever background music you’ve selected, enjoying your awesome time, remembering the fabulous advice you’ve been given, don’t forget: sometimes things turn out differently than expected. Reality hurts, but that’s just part of life. If we can be philosophical for a second, just take the very literal hint in this article. Now, I don’t really need to spell this out for you, but when you end up with a Pop-Tart, pizza, and Nutella sandwich, you clearly haven’t been paying enough attention. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate your life choices? But not where you get your advice from. Because, after all, I’m a professional.