Perhaps it is the airborne babies or the non-anatomically correct hearts, but something tells me that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. This ritual dates (get it?) back to the ancient Roman era. Rowdy teenagers would run through the streets of Rome while participating in exotic rituals. Sound familiar? I hope not. Most of that is illegal.

Here and now, we celebrate Valentine’s Day by turning our lives into slices of soap operas. Sometimes we even ask people we care about on dates…and that is where this article comes in. If you want to announce your love to some special girl or boy, I implore you not to employ any of these tactics. They will lead to nothing but laughter, embarrassment, and restraining orders.

1.     Running to the Airport For Her

Just because every romantic comedy ever to be poorly written has this scene, that does not mean it should be a scene in your love life. Giving a grand speech to your subject of interest at an airport terminal is too confrontational, and it may inspire anger in other fliers. Instead, you should simply saw the wings off the plane. That way, the person has no way to leave and you can peacefully confess your affection on national television when the police arrest you for sawing the wings off a plane.

2.     Setting Fire to His Lawn

This may be another time-honored classic, but do not let that fool you. A can of gasoline, a box of matches, and a well-kept lawn are not the best instruments for asking a person to be your Valentine. Even if you spend hours of time spelling out his name in fire, he won’t be able to see through the thick smoke that will block out your message. Four out of five arsonists agree that it is much better to set fire to the house itself. That way, you can run in and save your Valentine. You will look like a hero until DNA evidence proves that you were responsible for the fire.

3.     The Bait and Switch

An old fashioned method is to invite your crush to a wedding. Just a harmless, quaint, good-natured, happy, idyllic, matrimonial, secular wedding. Then, once they get there, you inform them that it is THEIR harmless, quaint, good-natured, happy, idyllic, matrimonial, secular wedding. Then you stuff them into a tuxedo or a gown and live happily ever after. This may seem like a perfect plan, but it relies on the compliance of far too many adjectives, which are notorious for being tardy. Half your adjectives may never show up, and then where would you be?

4.     The Imposter

Perhaps the object of your affection has rejected you before. Like any reasonable person, you decide to put on a disguise and try again. I urge you not to do this. He or she will immediately see through your fake mustache and googly eyes. Before long your rainbow wig will be falling off and the person will know that it is really you under all that green make-up.

5.     The Trojan Ostrich

This one seems simple enough. Build a fifty-foot moving ostrich. Climb inside. Have the ostrich ask the special boy or girl out. Once they accept (Everyone must accept a fifty-foot talking ostrich’s proposal to go on a date. It’s in the Constitution.) you hop out of the ostrich and demand that they go on a date with you instead. Do not do this. Can you imagine their disappointment when they find out that they are going to spend an evening with a featherless biped rather than a feathered biped? It is best not to start a relationship with such disillusionment.

6.     The Scream

Do not approach them dressed in a Scream mask and tell them “I choose you!” This may seem like a good idea at the time, however, this touches on the one rule that I cannot stress enough: there is nothing romantic about copyright infringement.

7.     The Cast

Do not put on a fake cast and use the sympathy you gain to get him or her to go out with you. Instead you should ACTUALLY break your arm and blame it on him or her. The ensuing guilt means they have to date you.

8.     Anything You Saw Barney Do On “How I Met Your Mother”

These shenanigans work for one person and one person only: Neil Patrick Harris. If you happen to be Neil Patrick Harris, then, by all means, go ahead and use every trick in The Playbook. However, for those of us who are not Neil Patrick Harris, we had best find other ways to be “legend-wait-for-it—-dary.”

9.     Anything You Saw Barney Do On “Barney and Friends”

“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family” is not an effective pick-up line.

10.  The Feral Cat

You shave the words, “Will you go out with me?” into a feral cat’s fur. Then you release the cat onto your beloved. She or he will be clawed and bitten and will need to get a tetanus shot, but at least you will get your message across – right? Wrong! The cat you shaved will assume that you were inviting it, not the person, to be your date and you will be stuck with a feral cat for Valentine’s Day. Usually that is a problem since the cat will not pay for dinner.

11.  The Lost Passport

You steal the person’s passport, wallet, keys, and pet. Then you offer to give them all back. When they show up, you have a nice candlelit dinner all laid out, featuring the most delicious wombat meat you could find. You invite them to have dinner with you. NO. Friends do not let friends serve wombat meat.

12.  In Front of the Spouse

Asking a married person out is never a good idea (especially if you are a high school student). Asking a married person out in front of his/her spouse is an even worse idea. It leads to all sorts of terrible things, like emotion.

Though these may have amused you, they hopefully did not sound like good ideas. I would like to end with a way that you SHOULD ask someone out for Valentine’s Day. You should tell them that you found a silly article on the Banner’s site with all these weird ways NOT to ask someone out. Then, once they have read it, they will know that you are asking them out. Much better than unleashing your feral cat upon them.