The scent of prom is in the air, that season where the school is engulfed in a raucous game of social musical chairs. While wandering through Harriton, a person might see girls hefting bouquets as big as they are, boys with posters that spell out “PROM?” in flower petals, and many a girl studying prom dresses like they are cramming for finals. This means that it is time for Prom 101.

What to Look for in a Prom Date

1. Mammal: The single most important thing for your prom date to be is this: a mammal. I know what you are thinking, “But a spotted gecko would look fantastic in a low-cut dress!” It may seem like a good idea now, but imagine when the spotted gecko runs out of body heat in the middle of the prom and needs to leave to warm up on a rock. Now that is one cold-blooded move.
2. Opposable Thumbs: You may not think about it, but opposable thumbs are an important part of any magical prom night. Imagine if your prom date did not have opposable thumbs? When he goes to shake hands with your father, his grip would be weak and your father would disapprove. He would constantly be dropping his plate. He would need to hold his phone in both hands and use his nose to text you that he is going to be late. This is why I have come up with the slogan: Save yourself from the mess, do not go with someone who is thumb-less.
3. Someone Who Is Your Size: Imagine this: It is twenty minutes before the prom and you realize that you cannot tie your bowtie. It is simply impossible to get that ridiculous strand of cloth to look right. Your date, however, knows how to tie bowties from her weekend hobby of forcibly putting chimpanzees into tuxedos and then running away. The simple solution to your bowtie problem is, of course, to switch outfits. You will wear her frilly red backless gown that stretches down to your knees and she will wear your dapper tuxedo. You will eventually realize that this dress is even better than a tuxedo because it lets you show off your toned bodybuilder’s physique.

But Do You Need a Date at All?

While many people feel they need to ask someone else out to go to the prom, it is perfectly acceptable to go alone. We are teenagers going to a prom, not animals piling into Noah’s Ark. We do not need to go in pairs of one boy and one girl, two boys, two girls, or two elephants.

How to Respond to a Promposal

Responses should be PROMpt. It is impolite to leave the asker hanging for days on end. If your answer is no, then simply claim that you are going with Hittori Hanzo, the famed ninja. When the person you rejected sees you at prom and asks where this “Hittori Hanzo” is, you can just say, “He’s a ninja. If you could see him, he wouldn’t be doing his job right.”

How to Make the Perfect Corsage

Traditionally, males give females flower corsages before they scamper off to the dance. However, it is all the rage to give your prom date a flour corsage. True, it may not seem as classy, but what if, mid-waltz, you decide that you want to put a bun in the oven? You will not have time to run off and buy flour at the store. Where could it be more handy than on your date’s wrist? This may seem strange, but when you two are eating the bread that you spontaneously baked on the dance floor, you will thank me. And hopefully let me have a piece.

What if You Get Sick?

If you are unlucky enough to get sick on prom night, it is customary to sincerely apologize to your prom date, inform your friends that you will be absent, and calmly send a MQ-1 Predator Drone in your place. It will keep your prom date amused and perform aerial tricks on the dance floor. It is generally considered polite to only fire one or two Hellfire missiles on prom night.  However, sending a drone in your place might be impossible. For example, good luck getting the drone into your prom dress.

How to Get to Prom

Two words: Tandem unicycle. It has all the classiness of a limousine and all the quirkiness of an elephant wearing a bikini.