Are You a Gopher or a Walrus?

Daniel Olivieri and Ben Hewitt|February 12, 2015

You avid internet-users out there may be familiar with personality quizzes, determining which kind of person you are, based on superficial responses to superficial questions. They are a waste of time, destructive to society, and the Harriton Banner wants to get in on the action. Take this quiz to find out if you are a Gopher or a Walrus! (score yourself at the bottom of the page)

  1. With which of the following statements do you most agree?
    1. I always do my homework on time
    2. I often turn in assignments late
  2. I prefer to spend vacations…..
    1. Parasailing in the Cayman Islands
    2. Using my gnarled feet to dig a dirt hole in Tulsa, Oklahoma
  3. At lunchtime, I would rather….
    1. Dig my tusks into a nice, juicy flounder
    2. Forage for seeds at the local WaWa
  4. During the school day, you can usually find me….
    1. In the JSL
    2. Scurrying around in Harriton’s subterranean tunnel system
  5. When I need to blow off steam, I enjoy
    1. Deep-sea diving in the Arctic
    2. Golf
  6. My favorite movie is…
    1. Inception
    2. Groundhog Day
  7. In social situations….
    1. I boldly show everyone how sharp my tusks are.
    2. I am shy and reserved, I prefer to play NBA 2K14
  8. What car do you drive?
    1. A 1998 gray Hyundai
    2. A 1999 blue Toyota Civic
  9. Friday or Saturday?
    1. Friday, because I get care-free time with my friends!
    2. As I am a Gopher, I do not have the cognitive power necessary to determine the difference between days of the week. That said, definitely Saturday.
  10. You find a $20 bill on the sidewalk, what do you do?
    1. Ignore the money, continue eating your skewered squid.
    2. Pick up the money, and find the winning lottery ticket for the week underneath. Congratulations, you’re a multi-millionaire! Now you can eat all the skewered squid you want!

 

Here’s how to score yourself:

We lied. The answer to whether you are a gopher or a walrus cannot be found at the bottom of any hastily put together internet page. It can only be found at the bottom of your hastily put together soul