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There are a few things your doctors aren’t telling you. They aren’t telling you that the flu doesn’t actually exist, it was invented by Benedict Arnold after he became the Dictator for Life of the Underground Donald Duck Society. Your doctors want you to believe in the flu because it feeds the culture of fear they have us stuck — no — imprisoned in.

They need us to be afraid so that they can keep injecting us with pills and with advice and with vaccines. Of course, vaccines are just science’s adaptation of Druidic trepidation ceremonies. But don’t even get me started on how neo-paganism has infected our government.

I mean, our government was founded on pagan rituals and symbols. Just look on the dollar bill, you see Zeus’s bald eagle right there staring at you. And the Bald Eagle doesn’t even make that majestic CAW sound at all, it’s just lip syncing. No, the Bald Eagle just makes a chirping sound. You can look it up.

But, yes, what your doctors aren’t telling you. They’ve carefully constructed a veneer of trust with the more gullible members of society. They use the lab coat as a depersonalizing uniform so that you trust them enough to let them slit your skin open and toy with your organs.

People will do whatever a man in a lab coat tells them. Just look at the Milgram experiments. Most people, they’ll torture you to death before they ever disappoint a man in a lab coat. And there’s also the concept of the vampire doctor. If vampires existed, they would surely work as doctors. They live for centuries so they would have no trouble finding the time for medical school. They get the chance to guzzle blood out of people and they have their victims thank them for it.

But I should really slow down.

I guess I just dumped a whole lot on your plate all at once. Speaking of plates, did you know that plates originated among the Hittite tribes in order to allow the wealthy to display their mass quantities of food? Plates were rightfully outlawed in the city of Athens because they are a symbol of excessive wealth and over consumption.

Did you know that the name of the country “China” comes from the plate kind of china, not the other way around? Now there are some that say that the Byzantine Emperor Heraclius murdered his nephew with a China plate.

But those of us who are in the know realize that this is impossible. That child was clearly kept alive and smuggled out of the capital. They needed to keep him alive because he was the last person who knew the formula for Greek Fire which is, if you don’t know, a type of fire that can actually burn on water.

Speaking of burning water, frakking actually helps the environment by releasing dangerous chemicals from the mountains and thereby increasing the lifespan of the mountains. And global warming clearly isn’t caused by humans, it’s caused by sloths migrating to the North pole and thus changing the tilt of the earth.

But that isn’t the only way that sloths are hurting us. Sloth bites are really dangerous propositions — if you’re slow enough to get one. Sloths have poison lodged in sacs underneath their tongues. They release it when they bite you and you will never be able to digest milk again. That’s where lactose intolerance comes from.

Now there are some who say that the intolerant North Koreans are planning an attack on Madagascar. That’s preposterous. I don’t believe in Madagascar or North Korea or attacks. Or planning for that matter.

Make sure to pick up my book, “The Sky is a Hoax and Forty-Eight Other Reasons Why You Should be Angry Right Now.”

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The School Newspaper of Harriton High School
Well-Researched and Completely Sensible Opinions