As college deadlines rapidly approach, many seniors here at Harriton should probably start thinking about starting their college essays. One of the most important aspects of the application process, college essays are an opportunity for you to show colleges who you are, or who you want them to think you are. Since we at The Harriton Banner realize there may be a slight to large discrepancy between the two, we thought it would help to offer some advice as you transition from crying and panicking to losing hope altogether. Here are some of The Harriton Banner’s college essay writing tips:

• Big Words. First and foremost, the college essay is a chance to show how smart you think you are. To demonstrate this, you’re going to want to use big words that you do not understand. This is called a malapropism, and it is a very useful technique for when you want to sound grandiloquent.
• Take risks, submit after deadline. In this day and age of iPhones and electric cars, colleges don’t want students who simply follow the rules. Mark Zuckerberg did not follow the rules when he sold your private information to advertisers, and he has billions of dollars! So if you want to get into college, don’t follow the rules, and submit your application well after the deadline. This late submission will make you stand out as a candidate, and the admissions team will appreciate it. Take this article for example, it was due weeks ago!
• No punctuation. In a college essay, it is always better to show and not tell. Show how busy you are by eliminating all forms of punctuation from your college essays. This will provide a sense of urgency to what you are saying, and will demonstrate that you don’t have time to take breaks to let other people understand what you are trying to say. You have important things to do!
• Look Mom! No hands! People revered Jimi Hendrix for playing the guitar with just one hand. Imagine how impressed people will be when you write your college essay with zero hands!  Position your head in front of your computer and type by pecking at the keyboard with your nose. If that doesn’t work, try mashing at the keys with your forehead. If this gives you a headache and a broken laptop, you can always write your college essay in crayon.
• Excitement? No. Many seniors applying to college think that their essays need to be interesting. This is one of the greatest misconceptions out there about the college essay writing process. Riveting essays are exhausting for admissions officers to read over and over again. You are better off writing a bland essay with clichés and various platitudes that will be easy to read and not too tiring. Some people will tell you that you should try to write an essay so good it will knock the person reading it out of his/her seat. But if they’re not in a seat, how can they accept you? Again, this is one of the more disputed tips, so we decided to confirm it with a professional. When reached for comment over email, Harvard President Drew Faust promptly responded, “Automatic reply: I am on vacation. I apologize for the inconvenience.” Hopefully that clears up any confusion about that.
• Play hard to get. To really get a college interested in you, you need to act like you are too good for that college. Don’t send them your transcript. Mention that you are looking at plenty of other colleges that also have better abroad programs. Answer every Common App question with, “You wouldn’t understand.” This will give you an air of mystery. They will start whispering about how cool you are and complimenting you on your cologne. Soon they’ll be leaving you awkward voicemails and waiting for you to call them back.

One hopes that these tips have cleared up some of the confusion and stress surrounding writing college essays. By following these tips and praying to whatever deity you choose, we guarantee that you will get into every college that exists, and a few that don’t. Good luck!