The highly anticipated Keystone exams are approaching quickly – “anticipation” being the correct verb because of 25-minute classes and 3-hour delays for freshmen and seniors. On the other hand, juniors and sophomores: you get to come in and participate in hours of standardized testing!
Math and Literature don’t stray much from the PSSAs of years past or SAT/ACT questions, but let’s discuss the elephant in the room: Biology.
Most of the juniors and seniors are either taking Chemistry or Physics, and have thrown what little biology they retained under the rug (at the very least, I have). With minimal curiosity, I found myself googling “biology keystone” for topics that might appear on Thursday.
First words I saw: “Prokaryote” and “Eukaryote”. Who remembers what those are? I don’t actually want to hear about it if you do so please stop right there if so.
I did some poking around and prokaryotes do not have nuclei. (“Thanks, Sydney!” You’re welcome, all.)
Now, to the really cute part: there are open-ended questions! The best approach to these is to take up as much room as possible restating the question, and then to backtrack and shake the Keystone-maker your mama gave you in the form of options on multiple choice questions. Without being completely outright, test-makers will occasionally slip in bits of information that could be useful in the open-ended section.
TIP: Punnett squares were fun way back when, so just remember that big letters dominate small ones.
Gravitating away from the uncomfortable topic of biology, every grade but 11th is getting a blessed 3-hour-delayed opening. Now, how do we juniors counteract this? Well, going home after the Keystones would be nice. Regardless of how burned out we are from testing, there’s always more work to be done!
I’ll leave it at that, and hold myself back from complaining about how I miss PSSAs and their complimentary Nutrigrain bars and Lifesaver mints. (But really, what if our breath gets bad during the test? There’s no escape from halitosis this year.)
Disconnected moral of the story: bring in a magazine for after tests, because you aren’t allowed to do schoolwork, eat, or listen to music, and you’ll be too exhausted to read any real literature. Good luck, and may the best of us win free admission to football games next year — just flash that fancy black card if you make it through Biology, victorious.
Final words of advice: Don’t sweat it. These exams don’t count for grades. Just try your best and laugh at the unfortunate eighth graders for whom these will determine if they graduate or not.
[DISCLAIMER — The opinions expressed in this article are true-life suggestions and should be taken as such. The real humor lies in my giving advice about biology]
