PARIS, FRANCE – As of Saturday, January 5 2013, Waldo and x are pleased to announce their recent marriage. The bride, dressed in a cream-colored Vera Wang, brought with her the entire x family: her father, dy/dx, her mother, f(x), and older sister mx + b. The bride’s only sister, married a year previously into the prestigious intercept family, served as x’s maid of honor.
The groom donned a red-and-white striped shirt below his suit jacket, throwing into the ceremony that essential bit of whimsy that friends say makes the relationship so special. The pair defines their love as an adventure, a partnership of strong-minded explorers who love “getting lost with each other,” as Waldo’s longtime best friend Carmen Sandiego told the crown gathered to celebrate at the reception.
The two met eight years ago at a bar called “y-axis”, a hangout neither had before visited. x, finding she had zero place there, was looking for a way out when she tripped over the man who was to become her husband – hiding on the floor – and their first words to each other, in unplanned unison, were “You found me.” Waldo and x quickly developed a relationship, each claiming that the other was the first to ever really notice them and stay focused. The groom, in his vows, called x “infinite, anything, a problem that I think I might finally be able to solve.”
Friends of the duo agree on their inherent similarities. Opposites may attract, but x seems to be the only one able to stay close to Waldo, and vice versa. So said Waldo: “I can’t imagine a world without her. She’s spontaneous and mysterious, even; she has my heart in a constant hide-and-go-seek match that makes it race. I hate being away from her, so when we disappear we go together. I don’t need anyone but my love, my wife, with me. If you need to find me, it’s no secret: I’m right here with x.”
The two love exploring and learning, and say that they have a special spot to breakfast with “the world’s best cup of coffee,” in x’s words. “I’m not telling you where it is, though! It’s one of the best-kept secrets ever.”
They claim a connoisseur’s eye for coffee and museums, frequenting obscure exhibits and leaving fake names in guestbooks. “We left a few interesting tidbits in the Karl Marx house in Antwerp,” Waldo recalled at his rehearsal dinner, “and in the Pez museum in Connecticut. But my favorite, by far, was the note I left in the Baltimore Ravens’ memorabilia collection: a simple ‘Find me’ with a drawing of a ring.” “I looked up and there he was. ‘You found me,’ he said, and holding the tiny diamond I’m brandishing on my ring finger now, I knew he was the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,” x filled in, blushing.
“It’s not like I hadn’t realized before, though. As soon as I met him, I told every other guy I knew to get lost. So we fell in love, and fast-forward to tonight: the eve of our destination wedding, surrounded by the people who actually know the real us. Plus this random reporter who decided to cover it for a high school paper. Let’s just humor her, okay?”
[The rest of x’s speech was lost due to technical difficulties.]