PHILADELPHIA – On Wednesday, June 12, a school official handed a district-issued piece of paper to a senior on behalf of that student’s having done something in the recent past. Upon receiving said paper, the student interacted with the employee and left the site of transaction. His parents, having been previously notified that this exchange would occur, were present for the paper’s awarding and discussed the significance thereafter. “We can’t believe he’s done this,” said the student’s mother. “After all his years in school, finally this has happened.” His father declined to comment beyond saying that he had expected something like this to happen eventually and that his son had a lot to think about with his new ownership of this piece of paper.

School administrators claim that they had been planning to give this student the piece of paper for quite some time now, but had been waiting until the end of this school year in order to ensure that he continued to act in a way that would necessitate such a document. After confirmation from all of the student’s teachers and his guidance counselor, they issued the piece of paper near an audience of his peers and a few teachers.

Most students were indifferent to this student being handed the piece of paper, but a few were very excited about his having been notified of something by the piece of paper. Other students received a similar piece of paper that day and experienced reactions from bystanders very akin to those of observers of the student in question receiving his piece of paper.

The student failed to have a strong immediate reaction to the piece of paper, but says that it will alter the way he thinks about his place in the school and the direction he ought to take with his life. Additionally, the student claims that this piece of paper will lead him to newer and better things, and that his life has been forever changed. “With this piece of paper, I can go on to somewhere that might even give me another piece of paper in a few more years, and then on to write words on more paper in order to get yet another document! Wow!” Sources say that the student will be restarting some of the same behaviors that resulted in his being given the piece of paper as soon as late August of this year.