College Rankings play an important role in the college where students choose to apply. Because of the incredible importance of these rankings, the Harriton Banner has decided to produce an exhaustive report on the best colleges in the country. For your benefit we will not judge these best schools by location or price, but by more useful criteria.

Napkin to student ratio

MIT

This college recently ordered a new stock of napkins and is fully equipped to handle all your sanitary needs. You won’t have to worry about not being able to wipe the honey off your ears if you attend this prestigious University.

Amount of Professors who don’t floss their teeth regularly

Johns-Hopkins

You can expect to see a lot of plaque build up inside the mouths of the professors at this University. Don’t attend if you consider dental hygiene a must.

Distance from the nearest Alpaca

Marist College

This school is located just 4.3 miles away from an internationally renowned farm that houses some of the best alpacas in the nation. Consider attending this school if you plan to focus on feeding alpacas in your time off.

Best College for Hat Design

Carnegie Mellon University

This University recently opened a school dedicated to fedora engineering. We recommend this school if you plan to have a career in the burgeoning field of headwear creation.

Roundest Public University Architecture

University of Wyoming at Casper City

Can’t stand the thought of spending another four years around harsh, unforgiving, edges? Then the University of Wyoming at Casper City is the place for you. Inspired by the “Snowman method of architecture,” this ovular institution provides students with all of the opportunities that an aspiring circle enthusiast needs. If you really hate corners, you might want to consider applying to the Honors College at UWY at CC; there is no building for it. But don’t expect an easy “A” if you come to this institution, the students at this school are determined to cut no corners.

Best Astrology Program

Cornell University School of Hotel Management

Don’t let the name fool you, this University has nothing to do with “Hotels,” “Management,” or “school.” This school is actually devoted to the study of the stars.

Most frequent use of the term “No worries, bro”

Seton Hall University

In a recent report, the Department of Homeland Security stated that Seton Hall is currently dangerously overpopulated with hipsters who say, “No worries, bro” and then toss you a hacky-sack.

Most glue consumed by students

Providence College

If you are crazy about the delectable flavor of gorilla glue, then Providence College is the place for you!

Lowest LMSD Acceptance Rate

Polk County Community College, Iowa

This college has, to date, refused to accept a single student in the Lower Merion School District. When reached for a comment, their admissions office claimed that they only accept students within the Polk County lines, but the rumor is still circulating that they have some feud with our Guidance Department.

Least Gluten

Reed College

Are you an anti-Gluten zealot? You will love your time at the only school that has exiled the dreaded gluten from its boundaries.

Most aggressive Vegans

Hofstra University

Apply to this school if your soul is tightly bound to the plight of animals all around the world. Students at Hofstra famously do not eat any animal products, and they will make sure you know it. Take your meat-lover’s pizza somewhere besides this small liberal arts college in Long Island, New York.

Closest to Harriton

Harvey Mudd

Located a measly 2,668 miles away, you should attend this college if you dislike long commutes. If you attend this school you might just be able to walk to school and live at home with your parents. Google maps claims that it will take only 873 hours to walk there, but we expect that it’ll only take 872 hours if you hustle.

Fewest Chairs

Bacone College

Afraid that if you spend too much time sitting, you’ll end up being arrested by the Laziness police and fed to a three-headed kangaroo? Then this college has everything you’re looking for. In fact, they have an annual “Not Sitting Down Marathon.” The winner is the last man standing.

Tallest, Unclimbable Tree

Columbia College of Chicago

Located in Downtown Chicago, there are few trees at this art school. However, the one tree that they have beats all the rest. You know the gargantuan tree nestled amongst skyscrapers of the Chicago skyline? Yes, that’s the one! Referred to by natives as the Tree of Life, this tall, stellar example of arborage houses Columbia College of Chicago’s renowned film program.

Smallest Scavenger Hunt

West Chester University

Originally founded as a fatigued sophomore looking for his other striped sock, the weekly West Chester Scavenger Hunt is simply that. WCU Scavenger Hunt founder Brad Flowers invites the entire floor into his small, single person dorm room to help find his socks in what he aptly describes as “not a scavenger hunt.” Nobody but Brad has ever attended.

Most Selective School

Argalo University

This school, located in the South Side of downtown Des Moines, recently closed due to a potato-related catastrophe and also a complete lack of funding. Last year Charlie Applebottom accidentally applied and, perhaps because the school no longer exists, was rejected. This means that Argalo University has an acceptance rate of zero percent (0%), making it the most selective school in the nation.