The Terrifying Ritual of College Admissions

Now is the time of year when the world is rife with zealous zombies, ghastly ghouls, and headless horsemen. You can hardly go a day without hearing about some type of horror. However, while the underclassmen run in fear from Scooby-Doo-type monsters, our seniors are dealing with something that is so bone crushing and bloodcurdling that I hardly dare to type its name. It is not “My Little Pony,” if that is what you were thinking. It is known as college admissions.

This horrifying ritual dates back to the 800s CE. In its current incarnation, the ritual involves the brutal sacrifice of many hours of one’s personal time. Additionally, students must slay some mighty beast in intellectual battle. Reports are conflicting, but it appears that one monster’s name is the SAT, and battles with it often last for three and a half hours. Its equally devilish twin is known as the ACT.

In order to learn more about this barbaric ritual known as college admissions, I bravely visited a college admissions officer by the name of Dracula Count. I interviewed him in his castle-sized house, tucked far away from civilization atop a lonely hill (admittedly a bad idea). Mr. Count insisted that I visit him at the stroke of midnight (another bad idea.) I recorded our conversation below:

Mr. Count: Hello. Sit down wherever you like. Just move that tarantula out of the way and brush off the cobwebs.

Me: Oh! Um, I think I’ll stand, thank you very much.

Mr. Count: As you wish. May I comment that you are looking remarkable tonight… especially your neck.

Me: Mr. Count, I have several questions for you.

Mr. Count: Please, call me Dracula.

Me: I’d rather not.

Mr. Count: I insist.

Me: So, Dracula, would you tell me about this ritual known as college admissions?

Dracula: It is an ancient and primeval ceremony, full of dark magic. It used to be that we just required that you send us the head of a SAT you had killed, but now we require… a little more.

Me: What do you mean, “a little more”?

Dracula: We require that an applicant send us a small portion of his soul. It’s a very normal sort of demand. However, we have run into some trouble with people stealing other student’s souls and passing them off as their own. It’s quite a dirty business.

Me: Are there any other things you require an applicant to submit?

Dracula: I often require a little bit of blood… That reminds me, would you like some tea (he revealed several teacups filled with steaming red liquid)?

Me: Ooh, that looks delicious! Is it cranberry tea?

Dracula: Kind of. It is a little bit more… flavorful.

Me: I’ll pass, thank you. Tell me more about your ideal student.

Dracula: We want a student who we can suck the life out of – I mean, a student who is an all-around leader in all things academic.

Me: Are there any other criteria?

Dracula: We like to see that they have an active social life. Speaking of which, would you like to attend a party at the Cullen residence with me?

Me: You want me to go to a vampire party?

Dracula: Yes, I hear the food is delicious.

Me: I’ll pass. Thank you for answering my questions. Good night.

Dracula: Be careful on your way out – there are some unsavory creatures in the night.

(At this point, I fled in terror.)