You probably know that our school mascot is a ram, but do you know him on a first name basis? Meet Reginald Humphrey Alvin Eugene Cuthbert the Third, our certified Ram. His friends call him Cuthbert. He can perform all of your standard ram duties, such as standing around, eating grass, increasing school spirit, and storing computer data. You may have seen Cuthbert around school engaging in one of his hobbies. These include all sorts of wacky and unimaginable things, such as actually using his school-appointed locker, prancing, finding what X equals, being a team player, playing tchouk ball, and not leaving trash in the JSL.

When Cuthbert took the job as school mascot_`, some people were afraid that there would be disastrous RAMifications. They thought Cuthbert would RAMble on about sheep history instead of getting down to the serious business of increasing Harriton’s pep by 175% percent (as his contract requires). Proving the critics wrong, Cuthbert increased Harriton’s pep by 175.01%. How do you measure Harriton’s school spirit, you ask? In cubic gRAMs of course! Now I am honored to bring you Cuthbert’s 6 tips to RAMp up your school spirit.

1.    Do not just attend classes. Make your classes attend you.

You have heard the adage, “If you really love it, let it go,” right? Well, why not apply this to your favorite Harriton courses? If you really care about your Foods class, then you should skip it and go to the JSL instead. If your classmates and teacher truly love you, then they will find you in the JSL and proclaim loudly, “You are the yeast to our bread. We do not rise up in the morning without you.”

2.    Give ‘til it hurts. Then give some more.

It is not enough to donate Cheerios or a bag of old clothes or blood or even a kidney. It is best to donate a kidney stuffed with Cheerios, covered in blood, and hidden in a bag of old clothes. Bonus points if it is someone else’s kidney. Sure, it looks exactly like evidence in a murder trial, but then again, what is charity if you cannot be legally convicted for it? Word to the wise: make sure your fingerprints are nowhere near this bag. True philanthropists do not flaunt how much they give. Especially if what they give would earn them a prison sentence.

3.    Show, do not tell.

Do not inform the other team that they are about to be crushed into human-shaped smithereens – show them how you will do it. There are all manner of intimidating activities to showcase your aggression. You can do hundreds of push-ups, you can run up and down the stands on your hands, you can practice kung fu in front of their bench. Just make sure to ruin their egos, not their bodies. That is for the crushing hand of time itself. There is an alternative to this method however, which is to… 

4.    Be aggressive, passive aggressive!

This quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower explains all you need to know about dealing with the other schools. When they come to Harriton for a basketball game, leave post-it notes reminding them that it is a privilege to be allowed to use our bleachers. When they chant angry slogans, you should chant back, “Why don’t you ask how my day went any more?” When they feel bad and ask how you are doing, tell them, “I’m fine,” and then walk away.

5.    Body painting

While many sports fans illustrate their own bodies with the colors of their favored team, we at Harriton should consider this too over the top. It is much more reasonable to paint a member of the other school red and black and then run away. Cuthbert recommends you do this to people while they are sleeping. Otherwise they get all fidgety and litigious.

6.    Last but not least…

The surest way to show your pride is to sign up for RAM. That is how you find out who the real Harriton supporters are.

Now you know how to be a model Harriton student. I can feel our gRAMs of school pride growing by the second.