December 21st is rapidly approaching. According to the Mayan calendar/doomsday theorists/Hollywood, this date marks the end of life as we know it. The apocalypse will hit and the world will end. So what do we do to prepare? Follow these simple tips to try to make your way through the final reckoning!

1. Stock up on Twinkies. First sign that the end was near: Hostess went bankrupt, thereby ceasing production of these undying cakes. As we know, they’ll never go stale or get old, and the iconic cakes will last through anything. So go raid your local supermarket and refill your stash – you won’t know when you’ll be able to get your next meal after all businesses are decimated.
2. Get a pet. If you’ve seen any end-of-the-world flicks before, you’ll notice that every “last man standing” has his trusty canine pal at his side to brave the apocalypse. But if you’re allergic to dogs/not their biggest fan, go for a cat or a gerbil or something. Probably not a rat, because they tend to be antagonistic in horror movies, but whatever floats your boat.
3. Find an attractive blonde friend. So as long as we’re in the horror movie vein, let’s remember that the “hot blonde girl” always kicks it first. If you keep a light-haired pal around, any zombies or other byproducts of natural disasters are sure to hit him/her first.
4. Charge your iPod. It might not be the first thing on your mind, but come on, won’t you get bored wandering around a postapocalyptic world? Tip: fill it with bouncy songs. You’ll be happier listening to Taylor Swift and Maroon 5 than you will Band of Horses or Fiona Apple. There won’t be anyone around to validate your indie cred, so rock out to poppy and uplifting beats while you salvage what’s left of your hometown!
5. Sunblock. The only thing worse than searching for fellow humans on an open road is doing so with blistering skin. Since buildings will probably be gone and maybe greenery as well, there won’t be anything to protect you from the elements. Be safe and protect your skin! Nobody is going to care about that fabulous tan!
6. Don’t panic. Honestly, if the apocalypse is coming, what are you going to do about it? Take some deep breaths and gorge yourself on Hope’s Cookies, because nothing really will matter. If I can paraphrase Jon Krakauer: if it doesn’t hit, you have nothing to worry about — and if it does hit, you REALLY have nothing to worry about.

*DISCLAIMER: The opinions offered above are in no way representative of those held by the Harriton Banner. The Banner is not responsible for any commentary contained within.