The great men and women of Congress never can seem to agree on anything these days due to party ideologies. However, a small but vocal band of liberals, calling themselves No More Differences (NMD), has joined together to demand a change that may rock our nation to the core.
“We believe in equality for all,” said John Smith in the group’s first statement in Congress last week. “We have seen acts of prejudice and cruelty playing out all over the country over differences – differences in religion, differences in race, differences in sexual preference. And that is why I am proud to announce our proposal that these differences be abolished altogether.”
The listening representatives could not believe what they were hearing. “We propose an amendment to the Constitution – that all religion, race, class definitions, and sexual preferences are now banned. This will result in great changes, of course, but what the heck, if it makes our lives easier and we don’t have to make new laws because of some kid who got teased because of his sexuality, let’s go for it!”
Smith continued to expound on the proposal for several more minutes, noting that after ratification, the amendment would necessitate the tearing down of all houses of worship, the removal of the words “black”, “white”, “Latino”, “Asian”, and “purple-spotted” from the dictionary, and the shredding of millions of instructional posters on how to treat people who don’t look or act like you.
Mr. Smith also mentioned that all of American literature and culture would have to be scrubbed of any suggestions of the existence of the mentioned groups. “Harry Potter is no longer about a boy who was poor and lived under a staircase for most of his young life; it’s about a boy who lived under a staircase for most of his young life! Les Miserables, well, there’s just no way to censor it. We’ll just have to hide it because there are far too many references to God and poverty. Librarians will love this amendment – it will really thin out their shelves!”
In an inspiring and confusing final statement which has already spawned at least one mocking meme, Smith said, “Just think of it, no more homophobia, no more racism, no religious bias! If nobody even has a sexual, racial, or religious identity, no one can persecute them. This is a foolproof method to end the hatred. People aren’t prejudiced because they hate Muslims, Jews, black people, rich people, or clowns, but because they hate the existence of their religion, race, class, or clown-ness,” he concluded triumphantly. “No More Differences! Please call at 1-800-THISMAKESNOSENSE to submit any comments, concerns, or applause.”
Several representatives thought that this didn’t make much sense, actually, but they wanted to go to lunch, so they decided not to comment. Clowns and purple-spotted people, however, have deluged the number with calls about the relief the amendment would bring them.
