Best (Fictional) Vacations



The main spire of Hogwarts Castle towers in the background over Hogsmeade Village (Joe Burbank/Orlando Sentinel/MCT)

Have you already exhausted every vacation spot that your particular planet has to offer? Have you already skied down snow covered mountains and petted seals’ fur? Or (if you’re like me) have you already skied down seals’ fur and petted snow covered mountains? Are you simply fed up with going all the way to the airport? Or (if you’re like me) are you fed up with sneaking onto the runway right before a plane goes off and handcuffing yourself to its wings simply to find out that there is a crying baby handcuffed to the plane a few feet away from you who prevents you from getting any sleep?

If you are fed up with stumbling to the airport, this is the article for you. If you are out of handcuffs, this article is right for you. If you’ve gotten warnings from the Boston Police Department telling you that if you handcuff yourself to just one more plane, they will toss you in front of a judge who will throw you in jail so fast it’ll make your head spin, then this article is right for you.

What are the hottest topless beaches in Narnia? Where are the best bagels in Neverland? Whom should you bribe to make sure that you’ll walk out of Westeros with 90% or more of your limbs attached? This is the spot to turn your two weeks off from work into stories that will make your friends jealous, because isn’t that what vacation is all about?


This is a great place to catch up on your witchcraft. It’s a castle the size of Rhode Island and it’s full of activities for the whole family! You can creep over to the girls’ bathroom to see where Harry, Ron, and Hermione defeated the troll together. You can walk down to the Quidditch pitch to catch the latest Slytherin VS Gryffindor match. You can stroll to the Chamber of Secrets where you will confront the undying, murderous, genocidal, nose-less allegory for Hitler that is the evil Lord Voldemort. You will be blinding massive serpents, riding dragons, and slapping Malfoys.


  • Kid friendly
  • Buckbeak hardly ever rips people’s eyes out.
  • With a time turner, your vacation never has to end!


  • Wizard angst
  • Frequent use of adverbs
  • All food is prepared by elf slave labor
  • Professor McGonagall sometimes has to leave in order to be on Downton Abbey
  • Dementors try to eat your soul


  • Bring large amounts of chocolate
  • Don’t eat the Berty Bots Every Flavored Beans (they taste like British Cooking)


This is one of our universe’s hottest vacation spots. When you get there you’ll find yourself surrounded with sassy dwarves, wolves the size of dumpsters, and despicable royalty. Make sure to find time to attend one of the plentiful executions that give this land its unique flavor (specifically, the flavor of blood). You can sit on the Iron Throne (if you are willing to ruthlessly kill every human who could conceivably stand in your way). If you have the guts, make sure to go up North to see the Wall, the massive ice-structure that protects Westeros from attack by ancient vampiric ice monsters and their zombie minions. Also make sure to stop by the gift store on your way out to buy Valyrian steel swords, dragon eggs, and raffle tickets for the opportunity to high-five Arya Stark.


  • Venison stews and mulled wine
  • Eunuchs
  • Everyone will be super surprised when you show them your Ipod.


  • Surprise defenestrations
  • Shampoo is hard to find


  • Make sure you aren’t one of the characters that readers will think, “No, there’s no way THAT person will die” because that means you will inevitably die.


Toss aside your wrinkle cream and botox, visiting Neverland is the best vaccination against aging! Mermaid infested beaches, surprisingly racist portrayals of Native Americans, and secret hideouts give Neverland its unique flavor. You will spend most of your time with the gang of preteen lost boys who have never seen a girl before (now that’s what I call a Virgin Island). There are pirates to fight, Native Americans to smoke with, and even a crocodile that is symbolic of the unstoppable advancement of time. Your tour guide will be a boy who looks a surprising amount like an elf. He will introduce you to fairies as well as his arch-nemesis, Captain Hook, who is a thinly veiled allegory for a drug dealer (think about it, he gets people hooked). This vacation is Sigmund Freud approved because he believed that the best happiness comes from the satisfaction of childhood wishes and if your childhood wishes didn’t include swordfighting with pirates and flying, then I’m not sure you ever were a child at all.


  • Not aging saves you a fortune on facelifts
  • You’ll learn valuable lessons, like how to sew on shadows
  • The people around you will burst into song at random intervals


  • Fairies and Mermaids always try to hit on your tour guide


  • Do not get between Tinkerbell and Peter Pan. She will wreck you.