In January of 2021, the Humor Section of The Harriton Banner launched an official coup d’etat against the prestigious school newspaper. Running on the campaign slogan of “Pretty Please (With Two Cherries On Top),” the section’s editor Dan Soslowsky promised more controlled leadership, new, exciting newspaper sections, and free letterman jackets with embroidered patches that say “Humor Section Rules, Harriton Banner Drools” for all staff members. 

After 61 days of no response from Harriton Banner Head Editors Goldie Beck and Ty Nagvajara, Dan was ready to declare victory for the Humor Section. “I didn’t hear back!” Dan justified proudly at the Humor Section’s February press conference (yes, we have monthly press conferences; you just weren’t invited). 

As the Harriton Banner’s new ‘Supreme Grand Master’– a title of his own design–, Dan fully intends to carry out all of his promises with deliberate speed. 

When Features writer and Harriton junior Matt Panton asked Dan how he planned to fund the aforementioned letterman jackets, for example, Dan waved a dismissive hand and replied, “Don’t worry about it. They’re already on their way.” When pressed for further details, Dan put his index finger to his mouth, made a sshhh noise, and explained that his “Cousin had it covered.”

Later on, Science & Tech writer and Harriton freshman Charlotte Korman asked Dan if he was going to abuse his newfound power to annoyingly advertise his website, The Milking Cat. Dan replied, “No. The only independent comedy website for teens on the internet, which can be found at www.themilkingcat.com, will not be plugged at any time during my leadership.

Just because we were featured in The New York Times and interviewed Billboard’s Comedian of the Year of 2018 Sebastian Maniscalco this past summer doesn’t mean I will badger about it relentlessly. Next question, please.”

About halfway into the press conference, sportswriter and Harriton junior Christopher Richards stood up and asked Dan how the Sports section is supposed to transition from sport-related articles to seaport-related articles, per his order.

In response, Dan jumped on top of his chair, pointed directly at Richards, and shouted, “I don’t know, man! Just figure it out! Gosh! Why does it have to be so hard!?” 

When News writer and Harriton sophomore Shaun Bartley asked Dan how he planned to handle the actual administrative responsibilities of being Head Editor of a publication, Dan grew so annoyed that he marched over to the press conference’s snack table (yes, of course, we have a snack table) and ripped the tablecloth right out from under the bowl of hard-boiled eggs and 600 oz. canister of Fruit Punch Kool-Aid.

To Dan’s surprise, however, he pulled it so swiftly that it did that cool trick where all the stuff stays on the table. “Darn the law of inertia and my training from the Certified Young Magician’s Academy!” Dan reportedly yelled at nobody in particular. Having not received an answer, Bartley repeated his initial question, and Dan fired him on the spot.