The primary goal of the school district’s technology committee is to make the students’ technology as small as possible. However, the distribution of Macbook Airs to this year’s freshman class has raised a serious question within the committee: How to downsize next year? How are we going to keep students interested in their free laptops if we’ve already given out the lightest version?
Widespread worry of the fate of next year’s freshman has plagued the school for days. Don’t fret though students, the committee recently convened to figure out this pressing crisis, and have come to a consensus about next year. Possible solutions included iPads and raising Steve Jobs from the dead in order to force him to invent a lighter laptop. Although both of these options were seriously considered, the committee settled on an even more ingenious idea: iPhone 5’s.
Many are questioning this decision, since the phone seems likely to undermine the academic value of the school-distributed technology. The head of the tech committee commented,“ We don’t really care about that. The iPads may be a more logical choice for educational purposes, but that’s not our goal here. The students will have to get use to typing papers and reading online textbooks on a small screen. It’s a small sacrifice to achieve the minimum size possible.”
The upperclassmen continue to complain about the freshman receiving new gadgets. One music-loving sophomore stated that she “can’t go five minutes without music playing. If we got iPhones, I wouldn’t be forced to play music from my laptop in the hallways. But the school is leaving me with no choice here.” One stressed out junior feels differently about this, “Life is so busy and complicated already. I have too much to do already that I can barely keep track of my new iPhone, imagine having to keep track of two? I just can’t handle that. Life would be rough.”
The tech center has revealed some of the exciting new features of the upcoming Harriton iPhones. The phone numbers will be 610, followed by your s number digits, ending with 0. All of the phones will contain all of the phone numbers of everyone in the school, including teachers, so you can contact anyone, anytime, anywhere. One sophomore commented, saying, “I’m really excited about this feature, because I will have more than one way to harass my teachers. I’ll always be able to remind them to put the grades up in PowerSchool, and to round up my 91.467 % in Gym.”
They’ll also be pre-programmed with apps specially made for Harriton. The cafeteria app will tell you the specials of the day, the pizza and cookies of the day, and a minute-by-minute update of the current wait for the deli. The twitter app will allow us eager students to follow the Lower Merion School District and Harriton Banner Twitter pages (@LowerMerionSD and @HarritonBanner, respectively) all the time. The most exciting new feature though is the school map inputted into the phone, with a GPS that can tell you where you are at all times. So, when next year’s freshmen are looking for the pool, Siri will be able to kindly direct them to the fourth floor.