Portal to Narnia found in unused science stairway
While on his daily rounds inspecting the school on Monday, November 5, Student Council President Dhruv Pillai accidentally discovered the school’s biggest secret: a portal to another world. After descending to the bottom of the usually unused science staircase, instead of exiting left to the physics hallway, Dhruv made a U-turn as if to continue going down stairs that students know don’t exist.
Only, when he continued down, there they were. At first, he didn’t realize anything odd. The Gaussian objects and electric fields Mr. Schwartz had just taught him about were enchanting and distracting. Only when the ice cold sensation of snow around his ankles snapped him back to attention did Dhruv realize where he was.
“I was a little confused at first. Obviously we weren’t expecting the first snow for a couple of weeks at least,” Dhruv recounted to The Banner. “I knew something was up when I saw the lamppost. And then I saw Mr. Schwartz galloping away, and I knew instantly that my Narnian suspicions were definitely warranted.”
Harriton holds a secret far more intriguing than the fabled school pool or second library: it is home of one of the handful of portals to Narnia. This means that Harriton will soon become a national landmark, as there are no other known portals in the United States. Adding to this, all Harriton faculty and staff were discovered living in Narnia as mythical creatures.
As Dhruv found, all of our teachers are fauns (half goat half person, like Mr. Tumnus) who simply use magic to change their lower halves to become fully human for work. Have you ever wondered why some teachers have odd facial hair patterns? Or why some walk with an odd gait? Or how Mr. Scullin can eat so many chicken wings in such a short period of time?
The answers to all of these questions are simple: the teachers have to adjust between goat and human attributes. Though some of the teachers have been going back and forth for decades, the transition is always difficult.
An anonymous teacher details the struggle, saying “Sometimes I feel like I’m leading a double life. I can never show my kids to outside friends, because, you know, some of them are full goats, and that’s not socially acceptable outside of Narnia.”
Dhruv and the rest of the Student Council urge the student population to be supportive of the teachers and to not judge them for their differences. No Place for Hate extends to teachers, too. Fauns are gods and goddesses of the forest, and so they are all good friends with Mother Nature. If we were to anger the teachers, we could end up having no snow days (again), so be wary.
The faculty has, however, made an agreement to allow us students to explore the Narnian world in exchange for silence and support. This means that Harriton will be starting skiing, snowboarding, horseback riding, and archery clubs meeting down near the entrance. For more information, please contact the gym teachers.
What other secrets does Harriton hold? The only reason no one found the portal to Narnia earlier is likely because the science stairwell has essentially fallen into disuse. Perhaps if we were a little more adventurous in our wanderings, someone could discover that pool everyone keeps talking about…