When I was a junior last year, I felt like the common sentiment among seniors was that they were sick and tired of high school. They were adamant that they hated everyone at Harriton and wanted to cut ties with all of the people they knew. I distinctly remember being hurt by this, even though I was aware that it was not directed at me. Had I not made enough of an impression on them to make them miss me? Did our relationship not actually matter to them? 

Now that I am a senior, I understand where they were coming from. I feel like it has become impossible to change the perception that others have had of me since fourth grade when I moved here. I want a fresh start, one where I do not have to act under the persona that has slowly become who I am. One where I can be my “true authentic self,” not held back due to the baggage and embarrassment that I have accumulated over the years. 

High school is tough. Part of me feels like this senior year has just been one long sleepless stretch of stress and disappointment, and I am keen to move on to the next chapter. 

HOWEVER. I WANT TO KEEP IN TOUCH. 

There are dozens of people I have met in the past four years that I love and adore and emulate; dozens who I cannot imagine not speaking with every day. I think that we, as seniors, are too quick to hit the restart button when we have the opportunity, because we tend to get stuck on the unpleasant aspects over all of the good ones. As the clock ticks towards graduation, it is becoming more and more clear to me that I am not as ready to start over as I had originally thought. 

I am not very good at staying in touch with people, even if I truly want to. There are some amazing individuals who have fallen out of my life, despite the many times I told myself that I would text them weekly. Sometimes they drift into my mind again, and I get really angry at myself. 

It is surprisingly exhausting to maintain contact with all of the people I want to keep up-to-date with, especially when it feels like I already have trouble keeping tabs on the friends that I still see on a daily basis. Sometimes I get nervous, as if I am meeting them for the first time again. What if they have changed? What if I have changed? What if they do not miss me the way that I miss them, and they have moved on and do not want to see me? 

A friend of mine asked why I let this eat me up. If it causes me stress, why do I care? I do not have a definitive answer, but I know I do not like letting go of things. It does not sit well with me that someone I was once very close with can just exit my life for good.  

If I could stay in touch with every single person I know, I probably would. Each and every one of my relationships are valuable to me, even if I am too drained to say it. I am ready for college and to meet different people from different backgrounds and stories. But I am not ready to let go of the people that I know now. 

So whether by text, email, Instagram, letter, or homing pigeon, I hope that I hear from you next year. I want to know what you are up to, and how you are holding up. I want to keep in touch.